Saturday, March 22, 2014

The First Day

I am insecure. 

There. I said (wrote) it. Three words... so challenging; impossible! 

In my mind (an unpleasant place to be as of late), to admit that you suffer from low self-esteem is equivalent to accepting disastrous defeat. 

My life: the battle. My soul: the fighter. Insecurity... the victor? What a triumph... 
Cue: respond "I'm fine," to all questions... Forever.
But I caution: you will too arrive in a place where denial and dismissal no longer feel comforting. To renounce your self-doubt is less to protect your spirit, and more more to tarnish your soul. 

I can no longer handle (or stomach) to see-saw back and forth from jolly and light-hearted to wholly insecure. Why live a lie?

The knees on which I pray have grown battered and bruised. I beg:
God, won't you give me confidence? 
Yet as the words escape my lips, my thoughts do contradict:
I will never be enough! No God can change that.
I have profound dreams that have been deliberately ignored for as long as my psyche will allow me to recall. Their disregard by virtue of a foul, encroaching lie: You will never achieve your goals. You will never reach your dreams. You will never be enough.

And so, why try?

But as a university graduate - all studies completed in psychology - of this I am sure: we must change our thinking to change our behaviour. We must change our thoughts to change our lives.

And so I find my shaky self, in exhaustive vulnerability, sharing my inner-most thoughts and most sacred journey. An adventure towards a place I imagine is called self-acceptance.

This blog is dedicated to all those who search, in faith and in agony, for a truth that will set them free: that they, like all others, are enough. 

Join me and do not be afraid, for we are stronger together than we could ever be apart.

Kristina

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